Thoughts.

Life is too short. I just made an entire post reflecting on the new year and realizing how quickly time passes. Life doesn’t wait for you, so you can’t wait for it. Time passes by whether we want it to or not. Time waits for no one. And this realization put me into overdrive of accomplishing things that I want to this year. I’m more motivated than ever. Hard work and perseverance will get me where I want to be.

I didn’t intend to do a follow up on my previous post. I thought all my reflections going into the new year were done. However, I was scrolling through Facebook  yesterday and saw a newspaper article my cousin had posted. It was about an explosive house fire that had occurred. A 30 something year old man and his 10 year old son still missing. The father’s truck parked out back. One body found, not identified yet. Another, still missing. By time firefighters got to the house, it was totally set ablaze. It was the coldest day of the winter so far where I live, which only deterred the efforts of the firefighters to locate the bodies in the rubble. Even with one body found and another missing, both are presumed dead.

It’s a tragic story. 30 some years old is too young. 10 years old is even more heartbreaking. The kid literally just made it into double digits. It’s gut wrenching. But what made it even  more unsettling was that was the love of my cousin’s life. And although that was not her son, she still aches for both. To make it even more upsetting, they did have a son. He is currently two years old and will only have memories of his father. These probably won’t even be his own memories. Just stories shared by others to keep his father’s memory alive. I texted my cousin immediately after seeing this. I offered my condolences and let her know I’m here if she needs anything. She responded that she’s devastated and thanked me for reaching out. I wish there was more I could say, more I could do to make everything okay for her. I just can’t even imagine the pain she’s experiencing.

It’s stories like these that really hit me. This one especially, hit a little too close to  home. I’d never personally met the man, but to know that this can happen and happen so close to my family, it’s left me kind of shaken. It just reaffirmed that time should not be taken for granted. So, please if there are things you want to accomplish, find a way to do them. Live your life to the fullest and love your family and friends deeply. Sending positive vibes and wishing you all happiness.

New Year.

2019. The current year is 2019. Just let that sink in. I still remember celebrating 2000 with just my mom at home, decked out with our New Year’s glasses and streamers. Eating snacks and waiting for the ball to drop. Precious memories like that seem to come and go quicker and quicker as the years go on. Times like that I try not to take for granted anymore.

I think when you’re younger you can’t fully conceptualize time. Time is viewed differently by people, but especially by different age groups. The older I get, the more I realize how fast time goes by. And I’m not going to lie; going into this new year,  I was both thrilled and depressed. Anyone else? I always look at the new year as a time for reflection, a time for change and a time to grow and better myself. I  jot down a list of small and long term goals to work on for the new year and feel satisfied with myself. However, I’ve also begun realizing how fast time is slipping by. And that scares the hell out of me.

This year I will turn 30. But as I’m growing older, so is everyone around me. My siblings are in their late teens now. My parents in their 50s. My Grams, bless her soul, will be 90 this year. I am so thankful that she is around. But it saddens me, thinking of getting old and time going by. There are wonderful memories I have with people that I won’t ever get to have again. I’m also trying to figure my life out still. At 30, you have a rough idea of things, but you don’t have it all figured out. I have a job I actually like, that doesn’t give me massive anxiety and pays pretty decent. If I want to get anywhere though, I need to strive for more.

So, going into this new year, I had mixed emotions. More so than any other year. The big 3-0 coming this year has me in overdrive trying to figure out how to map out my life. But I’ve also realized you have to slow down and enjoy things too because every single moment you have today, you won’t ever get that exact moment back. I think finding the balance is essential to happiness.

Going into this new year, I want to remain positive as much as possible. I suffer from anxiety, so this is easier said than done sometimes. But stress can really be a killer. Stress contributes to so many mental and physical issues. I intend to work on learning how to adapt and react better.

I also want to become fluent in another language. I don’t know if its the writer in me, but I’ve always been fascinated with words and language expression. I’ve decided I want to become fluent in Italian. I took five years of it in junior high and high school. Regrettably, I never stuck with it though after that. This year, I want to study Italian again. Not sure if I’ll be able to become fluent within the year, but I will work toward that goal.

Fitness and health are always big for me. I want to continue to eat healthy and live a healthy lifestyle. I don’t want to take for granted my ability to workout. I want to try to gain more muscle mass this year and stick with my routine consistently. Plus, working out is a great stress reliever and releases endorphins.

Another goal of mine is to get engaged, but that is not just up to me. Hopefully this year! I want to continue to not only personally grow, but grow with my boyfriend and grow in our relationship. Something that I’ve realized is that you need to love yourself and continue growing individually if you want your relationship to succeed.

I want to keep this blog going with new content weekly in the new year. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated. I also want to start writing a book as well. Just having some trouble with coming up with specifics.

Well, this turned into more of a ramble than a post. Just wanted to share some reflections I’ve been having and my goals for the new year.And to remind everyone to love life, cherish this day and be thankful for wonderful family and friends you have. Never give up. Hold your head high and keep striving for what you want in life. You’ll never know how far you can go if you don’t try. Life doesn’t wait for you. Life keeps happening. No better time to start than today. Off to start working on my goals! Sending positive vibes to all. 

Imagination.

You are limitless. Remember when you were in Kindergarten and they told you that you could be whatever you want when you grow up? You can. And it is never too late. Hard work, dedication and perseverance, along with a little imagination can bring you a long way. Don’t ever let what other people think or feel about you dictate how your life turns out. How your life turns out is all up to you. Imagination opens us up to endless possibilities in this world. Set yourself some goals and continue til you reach them. Do whatever sets your soul on fire. But don’t ever limit yourself. Dreams really can come true. Remember that.

Even Einstein knew that thinking outside of the box is necessary for achievement. Logic will only get you so far. It’s what you make of it.

 

Encrusted.

She didn’t need an expensive dress or jewel-encrusted rings.

To others those held value, to her they were just things.

What she truly valued most, was your devoted love and time.

She hoped for world peace, an end to all this crime.

I bet you wished you told her that you loved her more.

And when you heard the news, I bet your heart fell to the floor.

Please hug your loved ones tighter, never let them go.

And whenever you get a chance, tell them you love them, so they know.

The memories of her smile, the smell of her hair.

It’s painful to remember, but even worse not to bare.

Soon the memories will fade and you won’t know the curves of her face.

And then your mind will fade to a different time and place.

It’s your wedding day; the sun is shining bright.

And she comes down the aisle, what a beautiful sight.

Her dark raven hair, shining radiantly in the sun.

A day taken away from you by the trigger of a gun.

You lift up the veil to get a glimpse of her.

But when you lift it up, nothing but a blur.

You awaken in your room; it’s cold and you’re alone.

A tear slides down your cheek, as you remember you’re on your own.

End this senseless violence that too soon took a life.

Left a man broken, alone without his wife.

Stretch Routine.

In the last few years, I’ve recently discovered a passion for fitness and health. It is so important to take care of your body and nourish it properly. Not only will you feel better physically, but mentally too. I thought I would share a stretch routine I like to do. I go to the gym 5 times a week and usually only stretch the muscle group I intend to work out that day while I’m there. However, I try to do this daily or as often as I can during the week. I make sure to do this stretch routine on my days off from the gym as well. I can not stress enough how important it is to keep moving. Do some type of exercise or physical activity a day, even if it is just stretching. Your body will thank you for it! And so will your mind.

Stretching is very beneficial for stress. Stretching loosens tight muscles and in turn increases blood flow. This not only relieves stress from your muscles, but your mind as well. The mind-body connection is a powerful thing. Stretching, or any exercise in general, releases endorphins, which boosts your mood! Stretching is also great for posture. It works by lengthening the tight muscles. Stretching is also good for boosting energy levels, helps relieve muscle fatigue, improves flexibility, promotes blood circulation and helps lower risk of injury!

Butterfly Stretch. Hold for 30 seconds. This stretches the hip adductors, the muscle in your inner thighs.

Hamstring Stretch. Hold for 30 seconds. Switch to other side, hold for 30 seconds.

 Cobra Pose. Excellent back stretch. *Also, one of the most beneficial yoga poses to do. I’ll hold this for 30 seconds, then go into the next stretch (below), hold that for 30 seconds. Go right back into the Cobra pose (hold for 30 seconds) and then back one more time to the stretch below (hold for 30 seconds).

 Back stretch. Alternate between this and Cobra pose. Each pose should be done twice.

 Glute Stretch. Hold for 30 seconds. Switch sides, hold for 30 seconds.

Glute raises. I like to throw in an extra glute stretch, which doubles as a nice bodyweight glute exercise. I do 30 of these.

 Touch your toes. This stretch is good for your lower back, hamstrings and calves. I really feel this stretch in my lower back. Don’t be discouraged if you can’t actually touch your toes. Keep practicing, and you’ll get there. Hold for 30 seconds.

 This is a really nice stretch for your shoulders. Hold for 30 seconds.

 Squat hold for 30 seconds. This works your glutes, quadriceps and core.

 Quad stretch. Hold for 30 seconds. Switch sides, hold for 30 seconds.

 Calf raises. I do 40 of these in a row. Hold for 2 seconds or so at top.

Tricep stretch. Hold for 30 seconds. Switch sides, hold for 30 seconds.

 Hands behind the back stretch. This is really good for biceps, shoulders, triceps and upper back. This is an excellent stretch for desk workers, as it helps with posture as well. Hold this for 30 seconds to stretch those shoulders and upper back.

 Shoulder rolls. I do a few of these after the stretch above, just to loosen up the muscles even more.

 Neck stretching is very important. A lot of people tend to hold stress in their neck muscles. For this one, I bend the neck to one side and put the opposite hand out. You want to kind of reach that hand out and down as you bend your neck the other way for 30 seconds. This will stretch the neck muscles on the same side as the outstretched hand. Switch sides, hold for 30 seconds. I’ll usually do some neck circles after this too.

 Wrist and forearm stretching is also something we shouldn’t neglect. Especially if you are an office worker that is typing all day. These two stretches to the right (hold for 30 seconds each, then switch to the other wrist) are really good, as well as doing some wrist rotations. I like to do the wrist rotations for 30 seconds then as well.

Carved.

That day we carved our initials in the tree.

A permanent link between you and me.

Love that would never be weathered.

Ties between us that could never be severed.

Forever leaving a legacy.

A connection that would cause jealousy.

My best friend, my partner in this life.

Nothing but smiles, that day you make me wife.

But there’s a problem with love in society.

People giving up unjustifiably.

A bump in the road, a bad day.

They each go their own way.

But love is finding someone to weather the storm.

True love causes a deep bond to form.

The taste of your lips, the touch of your fingers.

The feeling of your soul on my body lingers.

The smell of your breath, the curves of your face.

I look up at you; I found my place.

This is a love; the day to my night.

Because in the darkness, you are your light.

2018.

“New year, new me” is a saying thrown around so lightly. As we came to a close on 2017, a brand new year approached; I heard/saw that statement all over the place. But put some damn meaning behind it. I don’t mind the statement, so much as people who say it and then never do anything different. Every year they say, “new year, new me.” But every year, they change nothing. They do the same shit day in and day out and wonder why they’re still unhappy when the end of the year rolls around. This year is the year to crush goals. I am more motivated than ever. And I want to spread that motivation to you guys!

Number one thing I changed near the end of the year was to get a job I actually like. You’re at your job for atleast 8 hours. Why would you want to be unhappy for 8 hours out of the day? My old job didn’t pay enough and was mentally and physically draining. My anxiety worsened because of it. I finally quit that job and found a job where I’m appreciated at and actually like the work I do. I love my new job. I feel like a part of me was missing when I was working at a miserable job. This year I’m going to continue to grow and learn from my new job.

A few years ago, I found a love and passion for fitness and health. I want to incorporate that more this year. I always feel so much better when I get a good work out in. And it feels so good to work towards something. Trying to go from skinny to fit! I have so much respect for anyone trying to better their body and health. Your body really is your temple. You need to take care of it. I already eat healthy, so I’m going to just incorporate some new recipes this year. I don’t limit myself when I want a few cheat snacks/meals on the weekend. I don’t want to restrict myself like that. You should treat yourself for your hard work! Finding a passion in exercise has been such a blessing. It is such a great stress reliever. I love pushing myself both physically and mentally when I workout. It’s help so much not only with my confidence and health, but my mental health as well. This year I want to stay consistent with it. I fell off a few times last year. I created a new workout plan and am excited to start! Don’t forget, you can always start back up. If you keep going, that’s what’s important.

This year I want to travel more. I have a passion for history and other cultures. I find the world so fascinating. This year I would love to travel the world with my best friend/boyfriend. I can’t think of anything better than traveling and exploring places with the love of your life. To reach that goal, I’ve been working on a plan for my finances and figuring out how to save. Learning to adult one step at a time haha.

I also want to write more this year. Writing has always been a passion of mine. I think it’s something I want to keep around for my lifetime. It’s something I enjoy. I’m hoping this year to grow this blog and share my writing. Even if I’m the only one reading it sometimes. Writing like this and putting it all out there is something the old me would have never done. Take risks people. You’ll be happy you did.

Simply put, this year I want to learn to relax more. I tend to be on edge a lot from my anxiety and I want to stop letting the little things get to me. Live in the moment and enjoy life. Its ups. It’s downs. And everything in between. Make the journey yours. Make 2018 yours.

Shout out to everyone trying to better themselves! As long as you start, you have the strength to keep going! Find it within yourself and you’ll be better for it. Best of luck to everyone and reaching their goals this year. Don’t just say it. Do it.

Calling.

I feel the darkness calling to me, trying to reel me in.

I feel you breathing down my neck, waiting for my sin.

Always had a certain desire for things of macabre and eerie feel.

Something about those kinds of things, always made me feel so real.

Desire to be good, thoughts of darkness calling.

Mind feels like its slipping, body almost falling.

There’s a fog above the hill, can’t see anything in sight.

Nothing but the moon, shining down so bright.

Illuminating thoughts, seeping in my mind.

Some odd feeling, something undefined.

Sometimes it’s blissful, not to worry, not have a single care.

Not feel anything at all, except that cold, crisp air.

Word Prompt- Calling

Anxious Mind.

       Anxiety is seen as a type of stigma within our society. I never use to talk about my anxiety or even admit to anyone that I suffered from it. I kept to myself about it. Until realizing that the only way to properly deal with my anxiety, was to admit to myself that I had it. Then, it would be easier to admit to other people. And that is where the healing starts. You always hear the saying, “The first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem.” Well, I’m telling you that that is the absolute truth. You can’t sit there and expect to get better by denying that you have a problem. It’s hard to admit that to yourself though. That something isn’t right with you.  It took me many years. It’s difficult saying to yourself that you have a problem. It’s like labeling yourself defective. But you can’t look at it so negatively. You don’t have a defect. You just need to work around your problems differently than others. You need to be more in sync with yourself. You may need to think more before you say certain things. Or work harder to not cry or get angry when something upsetting happens. (Because let’s be honest, when you have anxiety, anything and everything could set you off at any minute.) But that’s okay. As long as you can admit that you have a problem, you can make steps to work through it. You may need the help of others, or least of all their understanding. So, you’re going to have to put that ego aside to get started. Some people may judge you, but those that care won’t. 

       Society seems to put a negative connotation toward anxiety, or mental illness in general. Words like: crazy, negative, and weak are thrown around like nothing. “Stop being so negative. Cheer up. Don’t be so weak minded. Wow, you’re crazy, just calm down.” Those are all things I’ve heard at one point or another. And I’m sure some of you suffering from anxiety has as well. It’s disheartening and can make it even harder to want to help yourself. Hearing comments like that tends to put people with anxiety down. It actually feeds into their anxiousness and causes the exact opposite effect that the people saying those things wants. So, stop telling people with anxiety to calm down. It simply doesn’t work.

       Anxiety is a scary thing. You never know when it’s going to strike. Any thought in your head that’s bothering you or any stress you’re experiencing could set your anxiety off. It could be something so small, but to you, it feels like it could crush you. You may feel like you need to do something right away or figure something out right away, or you won’t be okay. You’ll feel panic if it’s not going how you want it to. This excessive worrying is what makes your body perceive the situation as “dangerous.” Some people also experience panic attacks. Panic attacks differ in that they come on suddenly and intensely, where anxiety tends to get worse as you keep sitting there thinking about it. Today, I was just sitting on the couch enjoying a show and all of a sudden it hit me like a wave. I felt my chest start to get heavy. I had to breathe deeper. I felt lightheaded. My heart felt like it was beating out of my chest. And I knew I was having a panic attack because I’ve had some before. Anxiety and panic attacks feels like everything is coming at you at once and drowning you. Your thoughts literally consume you. Symptoms of anxiety and panic attack are different for everyone. You may start breathing heavy and sweating, but not experiencing heart palpitations. You may get really weak and not be able to focus. You may become obsessed with certain thoughts or events or just feel “nervous” in the pit of your stomach. Some people experience some of these. Some of the lucky ones, like myself, may experience them all occasionally. (There’s way more symptoms than I listed.)

       Panic attacks are usually more intense and can literally make you feel like you’re dying. Not only do you think you’re dying, your body will give you physical symptoms like you are. The scary thing about anxiety and panic attacks is that certain physical symptoms mimic other diseases. This in turn, feeds into our anxiety even more. Its a never ending cycle. And this is what you have to realize to make progress. Everyone’s body reacts in the same general way though. It realizes that we’re anxious about something, so it assumes there’s some type of danger and activates our flight or fight response within our body. Our body literally thinks were in danger because that’s what anxiety makes us think. It’s crazy that a person’s thoughts can evoke all this. 

       Recently, I’ve been experiencing gastrointestinal issues and I found out that can also happen because of anxiety. Anxiety and stress can cause so many problems to your body. That’s why it’s so important to admit that you are suffering from a problem and take steps toward managing it. I originally tried Zoloft and another anxiety medication (I can’t remember the name.) I was prescribed these for my migraines I was getting (which could also be caused by anxiety.) I didn’t like the side effects I received from the medications and didn’t really want to be on anything long term that changes my actual brain chemistry. So, I made it a point to look up other natural ways to deal with my anxiety. Breathing techniques, yoga or any exercise, drinking certain teas like Chamomile or Green Tea, essential oils or scents like Lavender, eat omega-3s (fish oil), meditation, and simply just breathing to name a few. When you suffer from anxiety, it can be really hard to just breathe sometimes. And sometimes that’s all you need to do. A simple method I utilize is to breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 7 seconds and then breathe out for 8 seconds. This scientifically is proven to help shift you out of the flight or fight response. 

       I hope this post helps someone else suffering from anxiety. Sometimes you can feel so alone dealing with it. I’m so glad I admitted to myself that I have this mental illness and am able to manage it using natural methods. I’m not saying I’m always 100%, but I’ve definitely gotten better since I’ve realized I have a problem. And I’m not saying that medication isn’t for everyone. If you need medication to help you feel better then that’s all you. It’s whatever helps you feel better and whatever you’re comfortable with. I’m more comfortable going the natural way and not being on a ton of medications. And if you feel comfortable, confide in someone about your problem. I am finally able to openly discuss it with my boyfriend and he’s been so helpful and understanding. Your mental health is just as important as your physical health. I wish you all the best of luck. Remember, just breathe. You got this. 

Passion.

       I’m not exactly sure how this blogging thing works. Or what I’m even going to make the main premise of my blog yet. (Any tips are welcomed!) I’ve always had a passion for writing, as soon as I could hold a pencil. I always loved learning about words and how humans communicate with each other. I found it fascinating and beautiful. The way someone can portray their own thoughts, or the thoughts of their characters through writing is incredible and powerful. So, I decided that I shouldn’t give up on that passion. Even if it ends up being a hobby, instead of a career. I need to have writing in my life to keep me sane. When I was little, I had notebooks filled with poems I use to write. I even ended up getting one published on the first page of a poetry book!

       Edgar Allan Poe and Shakespeare are among my favorites. The way Poe put together such beautiful, macabre writing always inspired me. I guess you could say I have a taste for macabre writing. I love Gothic writing, painting and architecture. I find it intriguing and beautiful in its mysterious elegance. Shakespeare’s writings have also stood the test of time. These two writers are still being talked about and read today. And they are still considered some of the greats. Shakespeare’s plays are still a required reading in high school, as well they should be. The guy was a genius with wordplay!

       The whole point of this post is basically: follow your passion! Whatever your passion may be. I have a few things that I’m currently trying to sort through to figure out what I want to do with my life. How does one even know what they want to do for the rest of their life? What if you have more than one passion? And I am a full believer that your career, since it is your life’s work, should be something you at least enjoy doing. Otherwise, what are you even doing with your life? Are you even living at that point? You’re just existing. You need to find out what lights your soul on fire. You need to find out what makes your breaths worth breathing. I love writing, history, criminal justice, psychology, health and fitness! I may not be able to do all these for my career, but I will include them in my life, as they are what make me feel alive.

       I’ve talked to many unhappy people and one of the first things I ask them is what is your passion? Do you have any hobbies? And they usually answer no or say they are doing what they like to do. It took me awhile to learn this myself. I was the girl that always invested myself fully into a relationship, but never gave myself anything for me. My boyfriend now has shown me that it is important for you to have a passion, especially if you’re in a relationship. You can’t lose yourself in a relationship. You need to hold on to what makes you you. And what makes you you is not only your physical appearance or who you love. What makes you you is your interests, your likes, your dislikes and your hobbies. What makes you you is what makes you cry, smile or angry. If I could impart any type of knowledge to whoever is reading this right now, it would have to be “do you.” Make yourself happy first. And with that you will flourish.